We worship your music.
May I be the first, listeners, to wish you a very happy new year?
No, you may not.
I'm going to be the first to wish you a very happy new year.
Who are you?
I'm Joe.
Oh, I'm Adam.
And this is the Coke Music Podcast with Adam and Joe.
That's right, it's another month, it's a brand new year, and it's time to celebrate European new music.
E-N-M, as it's known in the military.
It's a kind of new weapon that they're using.
Yeah.
They're going to use new European music in concentrated high-powered beams to clear rioters.
So this is the kind of music that might be shot at you in the coming year if you demonstrate about anything.
If you start causing trouble when you're in a shopping mall or, for example,
just stick any of the music we're going to play to you tonight on the sound system and bombard you with it and you'll immediately drop to the ground and start grooving.
Welcome to the podcast this month, listeners.
We've got loads of great music coming to you, none of which you will ever have heard before.
And don't forget that some of the bands we might be playing you could be incredibly rich and famous, and you might have been one of the first to hear them.
That's exciting, isn't it?
It is exciting.
Yeah.
Imagine, you know, being the first to listen to a new band from Oxford called Radiohead.
I'd imagine.
You know?
Or a little rock combo from Ireland called U2.
You know?
And that's the kind of thing that you might be privy to this evening or this afternoon or whenever you're listening to this podcast.
Yeah.
So shall we begin?
Do we have to?
Go on.
Well, should we start off with some music from France?
I'd love to.
You love France, don't you?
France is... Listen, I don't want to be all racialistic, because we know the kind of problems that any kind of racialism can get you into, don't we, listeners?
But France may be my favourite country out of all of Europe.
Really?
Does that count as racial bullying?
Yes.
Okay.
How dare you?
I retract that, ladies and gentlemen.
That's very reductive.
I love all of Europe equally, but France may be my favourite.
Let's listen to some of the music from there.
OK, this is a track called Let Me Back Up.
It's by Don Rimini.
I am a robot, I'm from space, I live inside a box.
I am a robot, I will kill you if you don't do what I want.
Can I switch you off, robot?
Can I switch you off?
No!
I'm gonna unplug you!
I unplugged it.
There we go.
That was Don Rimini with Let Me Back Up.
You know, that's a track for club.
I love that one.
Yeah, it's good, isn't it?
Yeah.
You know what?
I unreservedly loved it.
Sometimes if you've listened to this show before listeners, you might have heard me being slightly insincere about some of the music.
Listen, I'm not ruling out the possibility that it may happen later on this podcast, but I can tell you unreservedly that one was a smash in my bucky book.
There you go, I agree, it's got fantastic noises, you know, interesting noises from the future.
We know about music, and we're telling you it's got fantastic noises.
I couldn't work out what he was saying though, I think he was saying something like, grills, bills, big sauce, motor poster.
I think what was happening was he was in his car and he's got stuck behind one of those motor posters.
You know those big posters they have on the back of a lorry?
Absolutely.
They drive around town advertising the latest burger or whatever.
He's got stuck behind it.
That's the end.
Grills, bills, big sauce, motor poster.
It's a little snapshot of modern life.
Yeah.
Set to an insane evil robot dance beat.
I bet you the video for that will have sexy girls in bikinis with moist boobs.
Well, one can only hope.
They all do for tracks like that.
I tell you what, it would be quite good if there was a video like that for this next track.
Because this, Staying in France, is a track by an incredibly sexy sounding girl.
So this is just speculation, you haven't actually seen her?
No, this is just pure idol.
She could have a massive wart all over her face.
Well, that's true.
But it's almost impossible to believe that's the case.
With hair coming out of it.
You know, you're bleeding slightly.
Don't say, why did you have to say that?
What's wrong with that?
That's disgusting.
I'm just saying, well, I'm just saying she could have a face like that.
Yes, it's possible.
It is possible.
But if you listen tough to talk to, because you'd have to socially, you'd have to kind of overlook that, wouldn't you?
Shut up.
You'd have to make an extra effort.
Shut up.
Keep eye contact with her.
This outfit is called Little.
And the song is called Petite Cochinelle.
Now, what does that mean, French-speaking expert Joe Cornish?
Well, Petite Cochinelle is French for ladybird.
It's also the name of a very famous stage transvestite.
Right.
Doing a bit of wishful thinking, calling herself ladybird then.
Why don't they rename ladybirds, incidentally?
They could call them girly women.
Why would they do that?
Well, do you think that it was ever a question?
Like when someone gave the name ladybird to the little bug, you know, the popular bug with the red shell.
Did they ever think of calling it a girly woman?
Is there an insect called a man bloke?
Yeah.
A little man bloke?
There should be, shouldn't there?
The male version.
Yeah, a ladybird and a man bloke.
Okay, let's listen to the track.
Now I defy you, even after all that revolting stuff that Joe just said, ladies and gentlemen, not to be beguiled by the charming sound.
Yeah, and just try and put the wart on her face out of your mind.
Of Little.
There we go, that was by Little.
And it was called Petite Coccinelle.
Petite Coccinelle.
La petite coccinelle is like a little ladybird.
It is flying.
What is the song about, please?
It's a pro-nuclear war song.
Finally, someone's spoken up.
She is very pro-nuclear proliferation.
She wants warheads on the top of every car.
Every single car would have a warhead capable of taking out a continent.
She's very keen for all the nations to tool up in a nuclear way.
She basically wants all races colors and creeds to hate each other and fight to the death.
She wants it to kick off.
She wants it all to kick off and that's what that song is about.
None of that's true, of course, listeners.
How do you know?
You don't speak French.
I've been on to her MySpace page.
Oh, have you?
And I've looked at pictures of Little.
She's a charming little creature from the woods.
Really?
Yes.
How can you tell?
Does she have twigs for fingers?
She's got pointy ears.
Is her hair made of straw?
Yes, it is.
Yes, it is.
When she sneezes, do dandelion seeds come out?
And gold.
Really?
Yes!
When she does... Oh no, go on.
You always have to end up in the lavatory, don't you?
How do you know?
Inevitably, you gravitate towards the lavvy.
That's the kind of song that you could imagine being in a sort of quirky Luc Besson film.
Well, a kind of an Amélie type thing.
Yeah.
She's running around Paris in a little flowery dress.
I don't mean Luc Besson at all.
Who was the director of Amélie?
Jeunet et Carole, you know, it's them two ones.
That's right.
The blokes what did Alien, Alien 4 and all that kind of business and delicatessen.
Yeah.
But yeah, she's running around Paris in a flowery dress looking for her boyfriend who's called Jean-Luc Picard.
He happens to be the captain of the Starship Enterprise as well.
And he's over 70.
And he's over 70, but that's what goes down in France.
Old Ben, young girls, hooray.
Now, let's go to Ireland, ladies and gentlemen.
Home of good times, good service and good food.
Wow!
I've got to get me to Ireland.
Well, if that doesn't do it for you, then I think this next track will.
This is kind of an unusual one.
It doesn't sound... Are you still thinking about the good service?
That's all I can manage.
At a pinch.
OK, now this track, Joe, you're going to like this.
This is from a guy called Michael Knight.
I love that guy.
He's not actually the Knight Rider.
Right.
David has a laugh.
He's funny.
David Hasselhoff, he's kind of, no disrespect to David Hasselhoff, a night rider, but people who don't have, you know, a sense of humour can often use them as one.
References to the Hoff, you mean?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He's kind of become like a walking joke.
In fact, calling him the Hoff is a good tip off that someone doesn't get out of the house much.
Yeah.
Anyway, that's fine because it's got nothing to do with this next chap.
He's just called Michael Knight.
Similarities end there.
This track is called Waves to the Shore.
See what you think.
That's Michael Knight with Waves to the Shore.
That's my favourite track this week, Adam Buxton.
I like that track.
I really do as well, yeah.
That reminds me of a lot of my favourite bands, you know, Stereolab.
Yeah, a little bit Ben Folds.
Gorky Zygotic Monkey I could hear in there.
But also fresh and original.
I tell you what it sounds like.
It sounds like a school choir
in like quite a posh school uh being mildly rebellious yeah just making it up you know what let's not do choir practice this week let's go to the beach and skip stones on the sea you did that once didn't you
Yeah.
You know?
When you were in the choir, that's the kind of stuff you used to get up to.
That's the kind of naughty things we got up to.
It sounds as if he's making it up as he goes along sometimes, you know?
Because that's his singing style.
He just kind of careens into notes every now and again from nowhere.
Well, good luck to him.
Michael Knight, if you're listening, well done.
We like that a lot.
Yeah, good job, man.
Yeah.
Did Kit help you out with it?
The talking car?
Say hello to the Hoff for us.
He's a joke.
He's a joke.
Baywatch.
Ridiculous.
Cheesy.
Two thumbs up from Adam and Jerry.
Well done Michael.
Keep up the good work.
Keep up the good work.
Well done.
A book voucher is on its way to you.
A book token for five pounds.
Don't buy anything by Ricky Gervais for God's sake.
Now, here's a track that was chosen by our very own Eddie from the Temple of Morris.
How many times have I said that?
Too many.
Lame joke.
Not enough.
Not enough.
This is a track that Eddie said to me was the most exciting thing that he had heard since he listened to the first Kasabian demo.
Wow.
Wow.
So, listeners, wrap your ear flaps around this one by The Officers.
This track is called Animal.
Yeah there you go, that is so trendy it can hardly move.
The officers, you'd think from the kind of music, Eddie isn't with us today obviously ladies and gentlemen, but so I can say things behind his back, nothing too offensive, but you'd think from the kind of music that Eddie listens to and favours, especially on this show,
You'd think he kind of drove around in a big customised sort of tractor tank blasting people with his laser pistol and you know like... What's your point?
He's sort of living in a kind of futuristic nightmare world.
Yeah, well that's obviously a very accomplished record, yeah, and it sounds very good.
They sound very, very fashionable.
They're so fashionable they probably can't go out.
Why?
Because what would happen to them?
They would be attacked.
By the unfashionable?
Yeah, no, just by journalists and photo shooters.
Yeah, but probably the unfashionable as well would be very resentful.
Yeah.
Well, no, they can't go out because they might compromise their cool.
They might slip over, do something wrongly.
When you're that cool, you actually can't physically move.
Exactly.
You know, if one of the officers went into a club and just was a little bit casual when he went for a wee-wee... Could be it.
Could be over.
That could be it, because if he came out and there was a couple of little, you know... What's the cool way to go for a wee in a club?
I think you just, you pull your trousers down, you don't use the fly, you just pull the trousers and the pants down, you turn with your back to the urinal, because only cool people actually face the, uncool people only face the urinal, and you wee in your own hair, up into your own hair.
Really?
I thought you were going to say, you wee right across the room into the basin.
Oh you're right, now that's it.
Sorry, my idea was last week.
The cool way is to go in the basin.
Nobody's weeing in their own hair anymore, man.
Really?
That's so embarrassing.
I was doing it last night.
Nobody's done that since 1986.
You are a loser.
So that's the way the officers go to the loo.
How do they go to the shops?
I think what they do is this, they go in sleeping bags with their head sticking out the top and they hop sideways with looking really angry, with a really upset look on their face.
And the drummer and the bassist, they tape their sleeping bags together with gaffer tape, with silver gaffer tape.
And so it's harder for them to hop, but it's cooler.
It's so cool, people just watch them hopping by.
They're so cool.
There go the officers.
hopping to the shops again.
Wish I could be that cool, but I've run out of silver cafetate.
That's the sound of their music playing.
Anyway, here's another track.
This was also picked by Eddie Temple Morris.
This is a band called Midnight Juggernauts.
Again, again with the future kind of thing you see here.
Midnight Juggernauts.
Imagine it's midnight and it's a juggernaut.
Yeah, not that there's anything intrinsically futuristic, I suppose, about juggernauts travelling at midnight, but
You know what I mean?
That's the image that it sparks off in my head.
Of midnight juggernauts?
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, well they're called midnight juggernauts.
Exactly.
Going along in the future with their future lights on, listening to future music, and in the back of the juggernaut they've got some kind of alien craft.
Just reminds me of a kind of overweight man who's a lorry driver.
He's been driving all day.
He's just really tired.
That's it.
And he needs a burger.
So he's going to stop at some sort of motorway services.
And he's going to buy himself a jazz magazine.
A jazz mag, maybe have a little go on the fruities.
Good times.
So let's hear what that sounds like as pop music.
This is Shadows.
Tuesday from when I was seven Wednesday from 1922
You see, it was about the future and transporting UFOs.
It wasn't about just being a fat trucker.
I love that song.
That's good, wasn't it?
That's two brilliant records this week.
Man, more than two.
The future of music is, you know, in my head, but I've got very particular tastes.
Ooh, very particular tastes.
No, I liked that one as well.
I mean, that's good to go, isn't it?
You can hear that in the charts tomorrow.
I'd like to go to some kind of glamorous location, say Montserrat,
with a very, very sexy woman.
Yeah.
Very tall, slim.
J. Goody?
Yeah.
And dance on the beach to that with my lips like this.
What are you doing that for?
Well, I didn't know that's how I would dance to that.
All pursed up, yeah.
Your arms would be in the air.
And I'd wear white trousers and a black shiny belt.
I was imagining you in a little thong actually.
A little thong maybe.
And we'd dance on the beach and then we'd make love.
Would you?
This is you and Jay Goody.
Yeah.
And would J.K.
be there?
J.K.
would be there, yeah.
He'd be DJing and he'd play that record.
He would play that record and then he'd probably drive around in one of his space cars.
He drives two cars at once.
He wears them like shoes.
He has one on each foot.
He sort of straddles them.
He straddles them, yeah.
But that's a great track.
Congratulations everybody involved.
You know if that's the quality of unsigned bands, what's going on with signed bands?
There needs to be some sort of swap around you know when the police get put in prison and the prisoners turn into the police.
This is a bigger debate I suppose but to me it seems like
You know, the music on the net is certainly in good shape.
You know what I mean?
There's a lot of people saying that people downloading illegal music, not paying for it, etc., is completely killing off the music industry and reducing the quality of the kind of music that comes out of people.
But that's not true, is it?
It's rubbish.
It's a lot of rubbish.
What a load of rubbish.
Because the thing is that if you have a tune in your heart, then the tune must come out.
Yes.
Even if, you know, you know, nobody is paying you or you are not signed, yes, of course, it would be nice to be signed and yes, nice to have some, a little bit of money.
But still, if you have a tune in your heart, it must come out.
Is that a medical bit of medical advice?
Yes.
If you've got a song in your heart and you don't let it out,
can damage your heart.
We're going to have to remove the tune in your heart.
Yeah, there's a spread you can get though, a margarine that helps.
It breaks it up.
Dissolve the song in your heart.
And it comes out as earwax.
Yeah, it comes out as earwax.
What you said.
That's all medically factual.
Ladies and gentlemen.
Now we only have time for one more track for this Coke Music Podcast, folks.
Sorry about that, but that's just the way the biscuit buckles.
We are going to play you a track from an Austrian band.
Not an Australian band.
No.
But an Austrian band.
Yes.
They're called Pirate Radio Station.
So already, that's a bit naughty.
It's rebellious and naughty.
Because you're not allowed.
No, it's illegal.
It's totally illegal.
And this track is called Going Away.
I booked at onyxpedia.co.uk I'm going away!
I'm going away!
I'm going away!
I'm going away!
I'm going away!
I used TripAdvisor to check the hotel 9 out of 10 reviews said it was very good The walls are thin apparently but I don't mind cos my budget is small I can't afford a more expensive hotel I'm going away!
I'm going away!
I'm going away for a nice little weekend break I'm going away, I'm going away I'm going to decide exactly what I should take in my bag My bag's not big enough, can I borrow that big one?
You too, when we went into railing last year You know the red one, the zip's a bit broken It's okay, I'll do it out with pins
have you got 20 quid i need it for the gaelic express the express is more expensive than the flight it's absurd that planes are more cheaper than trains what is the world coming to is it what is it coming to i don't know i don't care because i'm going away i'm leaving
London and going somewhere nicer for a bit.
When I come back all the adverts will be different, all the posters will be different, all my friends will have changed.
I can't wait to go away.
I can't wait to come back.
It's so exciting.
It's so exciting.
I'm going away!
Going away!
Going away!
I'm going away.
I'm going away.
I'm looking forward to going away.
In a week.
In three days.
Tomorrow.
I'm coming back.
I'm coming back.
I'm coming back.
I'm staying at home.
Oh, that's a shame.
Let's just go to Centre Park for the holiday.
Never mind, there's Wicked Telly anyway, so I can watch it now, innit?
That was ironic because they were going away but the song didn't did it for ages and it had a very long ending.
It's embarrassing to have a little bit of feedback at the end there.
I can't believe they didn't sort that out.
Sorry to tell you this guys but there was a bit of feedback at the end of that track.
I've never heard so much excitement about going away in all my life.
They probably haven't gone away before.
No, exactly.
Well, I think maybe the band are six in the average age of the band.
They're going away for the first time.
This is the first time they're going away.
They're going to stay with their parents.
With their parents' parents.
In other words, their grandparents.
And they live actually not far away.
A short bus ride
Yeah, just like in the next village.
We're going away, we're going away, we're going away to see Grandma!
They don't live that far.
She's got some cakes, she's got some biscuits, she's got some things that she's... what?
Storing!
Maybe.
Is that the word?
She's stored some stuff.
In her wardrobe!
She's got some toys that she used to play with when she was younger.
Now we can have them!
It is exciting!
That's it, that's the end.
Well that was exciting stuff.
What an extraordinary plate load of new music this month, listeners.
Yeah, if you're not rubbing your tummy and saying, mmm, delicious, about at least one of those plate loads.
Then you've got some kind of a tummy bug.
Yeah, exactly.
And you should consult your doctor.
You're an idiot.
You are an idiot.
We're just going to come out with it and say it.
You're a bully, flipping idiot.
You're a racist bully.
You're rubbish.
You are rubbish and worthless.
You're a racist bully and everyone hates you.
Your days are numbered.
But, if you did enjoy at least one of those tracks, then you is wicked!
You're so wicked!
Look at your shoes, man, they are nice!
Look at those shoes!
Also, the way that you talk and the way you move, like on the dance floor, baby, is sexy.
Also, I like your hair.
You shaved your name into your head.
That is wicked!
Oh, you got a Nike swoosh on your boosh.
Nice!
Sexy!
Very good.
This has been the Coke Music Podcast with Adam and Joe.
Don't forget, if you reckon you can do better than any of what those bands have done, you can upload your music to www.coke.com forward slash music and it might be picked by one of our musespurts and end up on this very podcast.
If you've got any complaints about the podcast, email adamandjoe at cokemusicpodcast.com.
Yeah, we'll ignore them if they're complaints.
Yeah.
Any comments or input, you know, you can send that there as well, if you like.
Yeah.
So, I've got a new little sign-off thing, Joe.
Oh, no.
Keep rockin'!
So, till the next time we see you, keep rockin'!
I've got a new... What do you think of that?
I like it, I'm just ignoring it.
I've got a new Coke slogan.
I can't believe you.
This podcast was brought to you by Coca-Cola.
It's the fizz that gives you whiz.
That's useless.
What's wrong with that?
Because it sounds like someone's just had a drink of Coke, now they've got to go to the lav.
Yeah, well that's true.
That's rubbish, man.
Sorry.
Keep rocking!
It's the fizz that gives you whiz.
Keep rocking!
Whiz.
Fizz that gives you whiz.
See you next time.
Keep rocking.
Thanks a lot, bye!
Who is this?